...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
