can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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