I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
