Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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