a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
