I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
