I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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