I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
