I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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