i just had sex bonerless
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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