i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
