I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
