the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
