At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
