So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
