I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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