I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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