smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
