I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
