Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
