I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
