We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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