I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
