Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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