I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My liver just had a heart attack.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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