No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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