I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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