grandma shit on top of the toilet
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
