I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
