i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
