Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
