I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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