john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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