why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
