im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
