you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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