Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
