my phone needs a breathalizer
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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