We won't sleep together?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
