Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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