Even the bartender felt bad for me
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
When did we convert life to cartoon?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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