I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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