i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
