and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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