My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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