i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
