i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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