Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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