I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
