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I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
operation have a gay friend backfired
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize