The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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