My Higher Power is John Stamos
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I love you.
Bad choice
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
