Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
