When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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