We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
