Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
