when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize